Marriage and PsA: 5 Things that Keep My Relationship Strong Despite Health Challenges

Here are five things I’ve learned that have helped me navigate marriage while living with chronic illness.

Three years ago, on October 23, 2021, my husband Nate and I got married and promised to always love and care for each other “in sickness and in health.” We actually got a bit of a head start on the “in sickness” part of the vows 2 years earlier when I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis (PsA).

Navigating marriage, in general, takes work. Navigating marriage while also figuring out life with a chronic illness takes a little more work.

I recently sat with my husband, and we talked about five of the biggest things we’ve learned and/or have done that we believe have helped keep our marriage strong despite whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. Here’s what we came up with.

1. We take turns being strong

Often, you’ll hear that marriage is 50/50. This might have been true for us before I was diagnosed with PsA and woke up with an unlimited number of spoons every day.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve struggled with pain, stiffness, and fatigue, which makes it hard to accomplish everything I set out to accomplish in a day. Because of that, sometimes Nate has to pick up a little extra workload. Instead of 50/50, sometimes it’s 80/20, and other times it’s 30/70. On really bad days, it might even be 95/5. On good days for me, it might be 30/70 with me doing the heavy lifting.

These measurements aren’t at all a reflection of effort in the relationship or commitment to one another because that should always be 100%. What this means is that one of us will sometimes have to do a little more work in accomplishing tasks and getting the necessary day-to-day things done.

2. Neither of us are mind readers

In any relationship, I believe that good, clear communication truly is key. My chronic illness is invisible, so if I’m having a bad day, you can’t always tell. I have to remember this and the fact that Nate needs me to tell him if I’m in more pain and need extra help with accomplishing things.

If I just assume he knows I’m in pain (which I’ve done before), we both end up feeling frustrated because we’re not on the same page. The same goes for Nate if he’s having a bad day. Neither of us can know where the other person is if we don’t communicate.

3. We keep each other laughing

This is especially important. Nate and I have experienced a lot of difficult days in our 10 total years together (3 years married), but one thing we can always do is laugh together despite the circumstances. I married my best friend, and this is one way you can clearly tell. Even on our worst, most challenging days, we find something to laugh about, and laughing together brings us closer and helps us through.

4. Acknowledgment goes a long way

Because it isn’t always 50/50, it can feel really exhausting for one partner on the days that are more 80/20. For example, Nate will have to pick up extra if I’m in a flare. That’s when he’s carrying the 80 and leaving 20 to me.

Instead of saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do the dishes today,” which focuses on what I’m lacking and not at all on Nate and how he’s helping, I say, “Thank you so much for helping me with the dishes today since I’m in a lot of pain. It means a lot to me to have you here to help.”

Acknowledgment goes a long way and can really help each partner feel valued, respected, and cared for in the relationship.

5. We prioritize boundaries and time for ourselves

Some things in life, like chronic illness, can become all-consuming if you let them. Nate and I stay strong together by taking time to do things that bring us joy. Sometimes, that means doing things together, but other times, that means taking time to be alone.

Nate likes to play guitar and golf, and I like to read and run (when my body lets me). We’re intentional about encouraging each other to go out and do the things that fill our individual cups so that we can come back together with our best feet forward.

We aren’t experts on marriage while navigating life with a chronic illness, but I feel like we’re doing a pretty darn good job. I’m so grateful for Nate and for all his help and unwavering willingness to help me find balance in my life so that I can continue to do a lot of the things I’ve always loved.

We hope you find some of these things we’ve learned to be helpful in your own marriage and journey with chronic illness. We’re sending you all our love!